Learning How to Fail Without Being a Failure

So much for everything I wrote in my first blog entry. My convection is still immaculate in every way.

I haven't done much cooking. (Well, not any at all if I can't count canned soup, peanut butter on toast and the like.)

Did I say that I was going to eat better and get more exercise? I certainly haven't.

I suppose I should be grateful that nothing disgusting has happened on the train for me to describe (lately), but still - I haven't been able to think of anything to write at all.

So what have I to show for the time since my last entry?

See the painting I've posted of the black dog? This poor fellow (Dhalgren: my boss' long-haired Whippet) has been waiting for me to fix/finish him since I started painting him last winter (early months of 2009). He's been staring at me day after day after day, daring me to figure out what it is I need to do for him to look right...for him to be good enough to give to my boss. Day after day after day I have failed to meet the challenge. Afraid to destroy the parts of him that I liked in the process of fixing what I didn't, I have left him alone for months; avoiding eye contact with him and letting the whole thing become an overwhelming obstacle to my ability (and desire) to paint him or anything else.

Last weekend I found myself in a local art gallery and was left feeling inspired to try my hand at my own painting again. Surely I could do this, and if I threw caution to the wind and "just did it" I could end up happy with the result, right? Wrong. The Dhalgren painting ceased to exist that afternoon. I couldn't make it work and so painted over the entire image with the background colour, and now only a shadow of him remains on the canvas. A ghost of what could have been a success but wasn't. So how do I keep this from haunting me?

The painting was a failure. *I* felt like a failure, but here's what I'm trying to learn from it: Failing at something does not a failure make. I will only be a failure if I give up and let it beat me; if I run away from it; if I keep avoiding the act of failing (something I've done all my life). And when I think about it, I realize all of that actually makes me worse than a failure - it makes me a loser.

So, using the painting as an example, here is how I am am going to try to see things from now on:

Avoiding the completion of that painting = failure. This is unacceptable. I don't want to do this anymore.

Trying to complete the painting and putting it out of its misery when it wouldn't work = successful failure. This is always acceptable, and something I'm actually proud of. Accepting my failure wasn't easy to do.

Painting again because I'm able to leave the "failure" label attached to the painting instead of wearing it around my neck = success.

Accepting failure as a necessary part of life and learning from it...AND moving on from it to try (and possibly fail) again = huge success!

Wow. It hits me as I write this: I am allowed to fail over and over again and still be a huge success!!! How amazing is that?!?!?

I should blog more often. The revelations can be incredible... :)

The First Supper

And so it begins with this:
Me. Cooking.

I obtained some "easy to do" recipes from a friend in an effort to help me get on the cooking-dinner-for-myself bandwagon. I tried one out last week (successfully, thank you very much), and decided to make it again last night. Overly-pleased with myself (not only was it good, it was not yet a full week since I did it the first time and here I was cooking...again!), I snapped a photo of it while it was still in the oven so that I could share the experience with some of my very supportive friends.

Well, once I downloaded the photo and had a look at it I immediately noticed that the inside of my oven, purchased well over a year ago for a kitchen renovation that was intended to have me cooking up a storm, was SPOTLESS! (I have to say it made me smile when it occurred to me that I had an immaculate convection.) Some people have spotless ovens because they clean them, but with me it's only due to a lack of use.

Don't get me wrong - I've heated up a few pizzas, baked several batches of cookies and made a few loaves of my prize-winning banana bread, but nothing like I had intended when I renovated my kitchen and bought this oven. I had great visions of the things that I would do, that I *still* have yet to do. Seems I envision myself doing a lot of things, and certainly not just cooking. There's painting, drawing, reading, blogging, exercising (you should just see the great vision I had for my slender self last year! If only I'd followed through...). Nothing newsworthy really, just some things that I think would be worth doing. For me.

So, as the sun sets on yet another day, I have begun my very first blog. I'm calling this "My Immaculate Convection" not just for the cooking aspect, but for everything I have not yet done in my life. What good are unused ovens, pristine paintbrushes, unwritten stories, pure white runners and uncracked books. Clearly these are not signs of a life well-lived, so I think I'm going to get off my not-yet-slender butt (I said "yet"!) and make some changes.

Now then, I find when I get overly ambitious I scare myself off and wind up in front of the tv unproductively working on my comfy sofa dent, so instead I'm going to take this slowly. One step at a time. One blog at a time. One day at a time.

It's time. :)